Move seen as a modernization effort

THE VATICAN, ROME: Officials within the Catholic church confirmed today what several rumor mills had been hinting at: The Church of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) is set to merge with the larger Catholic church over the span of two years. The merger is expected to provide a much needed PR boost for the Catholic church, which has been dogged by pedophilia scandals, membership loss, and the feeling of being a tired and worn out religion. The Mormons will pick up the storied past and gravitas of the Catholic church that has seemed to elude them, as well as a greater network of churches.

“This merger will give us access to key Mormon proselytization techniques, including the fleet of men in white shirts, black ties, and pants on bicycles going door to door,” said Archbishop Father Dowling. “The strategic value of a second ‘home base’ in Utah is also something we’re taking into account.”

Both Catholic and Mormon leaders say that resolving the canonicity of their scripture being melded together will be a challenge, but can be accomplished. “Of course, making sure the stories make sense when put together will be a top priority. Some of us are joking that The Book of Mormon will be the ‘Really New Testament’,” commented Brother Morris of the LDS. “Meshing our rituals and rites are a close second, but we’re all confident this is the best future for our faiths.”

Reactions have been mixed. “While I understand the Catholic church could use a makeover to make it more modern, I’m not sure this is the right move. Why not the Anglicans?” noted Father Mulcahy, a hospital chaplain. “It would really show the unifying power of Christ more than this move would.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” commented Brother Smock of the LDS. “Mainline Christians have long wanted access to our temple garments to protect them from any number of harms, and now we can share that with so many more people, along with so many other great traditions from the Mormon faith.”

The news comes approximately one year after the failure of popular Protestant merger between Methodists and Episcopalians, scuttled due to federal regulations.